So last night I was informed that I’m fat and hideous and that no one would ever want me. And here, well, here’s how I feel about that.
Like most girls, I’ve had a lot of conflict how I feel about how I look. I was one of those ridiculously thin girls and suddenly I got big hips. It weirded me out, I got really insecure. At the same time, family members would suggest I eat less or exercise. I was around 12 when that started. I got pissed and of course it hurt my feelings. I told my mom and she didn’t really do much to comfort me (different story, that). From around that time until recently, I spent a hell of a lot of time unhappy with how I looked. I starved myself for periods of time, I puked when I got upset. I would bounce from how my body looks now to “super skinny,” and I wasn’t really happy with either.
I’ve been making a conscious effort to just like how I look, period. Whether I’m thin or “normal,” it’s my body and I shouldn’t be at war with it. I eat and eat and eat. Junk food, health food. If I want it, I eat it. And this is the result. My body is stronger and I’m not distracted by a growling stomach and I don’t obsess about obscuring my “flaws” just so.
I still have days, moments when I’m not happy but I’m not hating my “big” hips or my less than flat stomach or my damned near flat chest.
The intent of this post is cathartic more than anything. Rather than internalize it, I laugh. I dance around in my panties and stand up straight even when I’m feel insecure.
I know a lot of girls struggle and accepting your own body is damn hard. So here’s my story.
The guy who said it? He’s an asshole. He kept trying to insist that I’m unhappy because I was sitting in my room by myself, watching a movie and eating Pop Tarts, while he was at a party, drinking with his asshole buddies. Don’t you know? Happy people send dozens of texts putting other people down. Happy people stalk their exes, happy people stick around months and months after getting the boot.
As for no one wanting me? Well, I guess that goes along with being happy with myself. I’m single and I have yet to find someone worth investing the time in. I can keep myself entertained, so no loss.
And more than anything? There’s a hell of a lot more to me than how I look. I’m a good person. I do what suits me even if it isn’t “normal” or what’s expected. I’m passionate about a million different things, honest with everyone, and I don’t go out of my way to hurt other people because I’m feeling like shit. I have beliefs and I stick to them. I’ll argue with strangers in public, but I’ll be the friend who drives around with you at 3 in the morning because you feel like shit.
This is me moving towards being the person that I want to be.
